


and you’ve got your demons (darling, they all look like me)

by KayCeeCruz



Series: screaming in the dark [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Post-Break Up, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 20:11:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11297988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayCeeCruz/pseuds/KayCeeCruz
Summary: “How often do you think about it?”Robert stares out the window. The view is beautiful but he finds that he misses the green of hills and trees. He remembers once thinking that a skyline of buildings suited him, busy and noisy, people clamoring for more and more. He knows now it doesn’t. He lets her question sink in, counts silently, is surprised by the number.





	and you’ve got your demons (darling, they all look like me)

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts. It's a big part of this story and probably any subsequent parts will touch on this. Please take care in reading! 
> 
> I wrote a ficlet a bit ago and didn't think I'd write more and then this happened. It's not very happy.

“How often do you think about it?”

 

Robert stares out the window. The view is beautiful but he finds that he misses the green of hills and trees. He remembers once thinking that a skyline of buildings suited him, busy and noisy, people clamoring for more and more. He knows now it doesn’t. He lets her question sink in, counts silently, is surprised by the number.

 

He can feel Sharon looking at him, patient and kind, never wavering. Robert glances at her, almost wants to smile because she reminds him quite a bit of Bernice even though she looks nothing like his sister. Her smile is bright and she makes him want to be able to laugh. She has warm brown eyes; dark red hair streaked with graying silver and always wears the same pendant. On their second session, he’d asked her about it, a tactic to avoid everything he wasn’t ready to confront. She’d touched it gently, smiled and said, “It belonged to my wife.”

 

Robert hadn’t wanted to ask anymore.

 

She is staring at him, waiting and he opens and closes his mouth a few times, swallows down the number but still answers truthfully (that was their deal), “Enough.”

 

Sharon nods, scribbles on her notebook and doesn’t push for more. He turns to gaze out at the city for the rest of the session.

 

\--

 

Aaron’s touch is sharp, rough on the downward stroke, almost gentle on the upward and Robert keens, the sound reverberating in the stall. He keeps his eyes shut tight, hands holding on to Aaron’s shoulders. There’s a tingling down his spine, Aaron’s warm breath against his ear. He allows himself just one second, moves one hand to thread through Aaron’s hair. Aaron’s hand stutters for a moment before returning to a frantic pace.

 

This isn’t about him. He knows that. Robert had even tried to get away from it.

 

He’d been waiting for Victoria in the pub. Robert was resigned to listen to her try to talk him round about Rebecca’s baby. The door had opened and he’d glanced up, blinking when he noticed Gregg walk in with someone that wasn’t Aaron. That wasn’t unexpected since they’d broken up a few months before except – well, it was the pub and Aaron was sitting at the bar. Robert caught Aaron tense from the corner of his eye and that ugly feeling flared in his chest. That burning jealousy turned his stomach. Charity set his drink down in front of him, caught his eye and there must have been something there because her face had softened a little. He didn’t look as Gregg walked over to Aaron, didn’t listen as the words got harsher, ignored the way Aaron looked. He suddenly needed the loo and made a hasty retreat.

 

He’d been drying his face when he heard the door open and looked up into the mirror, Aaron staring at him, angry and needy and…

 

He feels teeth sink into his neck, shocking him back into the present, the wet of a tongue taking away the sting and it’s that gesture, the familiarity, the memory of tenderness that tips him over. He flexes one hand on Aaron’s shoulder, bites on his lip to hold back his groan. It’s the first time he’s ever been quiet with Aaron. He opens his eyes, sees Aaron staring at him, brow wrinkled and it makes anger bloom in Robert’s chest. He shoves one hand roughly in Aaron’s jeans, grips the hot hardness and twists his wrist. Aaron’s head hits the wall behind him, eyes closing and Robert watches his face. He knows how to bring him to the edge quickly. Robert’s gaze falls on Aaron’s lips. He wants to kiss him so much it’s an actual ache, his breath hitches thinking of how Aaron tastes, like no one else Robert ever kissed.

 

He sees Aaron’s lips thin and he looks up, meets Aaron’s stare, pupils blown with desire. For the first time in a long time, Robert holds Aaron’s stare, licks his lips and Aaron tenses under his touch, follows the movement but –

 

Robert knows what is to have Aaron look at him when he wants to be kissed.

 

His thumb circles the head of Aaron’s cock, pre-cum leaking from the slit makes it easier to slide down to the base then back up. He gradually increases the pace until Aaron puffs out a grunt, warmth spilling over Robert’s hand. Aaron’s eyes close, his face sweet, smile tugging at his lips and for one second, it’s _his_ Aaron but Robert knows better. He removes his hand, leaves the stall to allow Aaron a moment to clean up. He washes his hands, using hot water that scalds and doesn’t look up when he hears the stall door open.

 

Aaron hesitates and Robert waits.

 

The sound of the bathroom door opening and closing makes his stomach curl with disappointment and – he thinks it’s tendrils of hate.

 

Not for Aaron. Never for Aaron.

 

He lets a few minutes pass before he walks out into the pub. Victoria sees him, calls out across the room. “I’ve been looking for ya! Where you been?” He can feel heated stares aimed at him, knows Chas is watching him, Gregg is probably keen to have a go, Robert’s hands close into fists at his side. “Loo.”

 

When he manages to look towards the bar, it’s Adam’s gaze he clashes with, the frown on his face that makes Robert want to leave.

 

\--

 

“Are you sleeping?”

 

Sharon smiles slightly, knows the answer he is sure but wants to hear it from him.

 

“Not much, no.”

 

He hasn’t been eating much either but since she hasn’t asked Robert doesn’t want to tell her.

 

The only times he can fall asleep is after Aaron’s been to his and they’ve fucked (it’s nothing more now, at least he doesn’t think Aaron sees it as anything else). Robert feels normal in his skin enough after to be able to grasp onto sleep and he can get a few hours.

 

Vic is starting to get worried (and it’s not even having to do with his being there for Rebecca’s baby).

 

Sharon eyes him carefully before she sighs deeply. He realizes she probably would have given him medication but since his confession a few weeks before – caution is the way to go he supposes.

 

“I want you to try these breathing exercises to relax, ok?” She starts to demonstrate and Robert focuses on her, pays attention.

 

He wants to be okay.

 

He wants to breathe without Aaron.

 

\--

 

Aaron pushes into him, slow and steady, grasps at Robert’s hip to keep him still. Robert arches, _wants_ more, _needs_ more and his hips roll slowly. Aaron lets out a gasp, folds over Robert’s back, cants his own hips forward, quick thrusts. Robert’s heart wants to beat out of his chest and then –

 

The hand not holding him slides down his arm and Aaron’s fingers lace with his, grip and Robert loses all sense, comes all over his sheets and stares at their joined hands as Aaron finishes, falling over his back, breath on Robert’s neck.

 

\--

 

Adam invites him out for a drink and Robert can’t keep avoiding him. It surprised him but Adam stayed his mate even after Aaron left. He didn’t pick sides.

 

Robert once heard him defend him to Chas, declaring that nobody had won when Robert and Aaron ended. She’d wanted to kick Robert out because Aaron was seated with his new boyfriend in the booth across the room.

 

“He is sitting alone, Chas. He isn’t bothering anyone. He – he lost his whole life, let him have a place to eat a meal.”

 

“It’s what he deserves, isn’t it?” Robert cringed at that but had pretended not to hear.

 

Adam’s quiet, “No one deserves to lose everything for a mistake, Chas. You got what you wanted, didn’t you? Got rid of him. Give the guy a break and just let him be,” had made his hands shake a little.

 

It’s new to have a friend. He doesn’t know why Adam is sticking around. Maybe because he made a similar mistake once. Maybe because there’s still a sense of family loyalty. Maybe Adam is just a decent bloke. In the end, Adam is Aaron’s best mate though.

 

They go into Hotten for a pint, some pub that Robert has never been to. It reminds him some of the Woolpack and he relaxes as they sit and drink. Adam talks about work (Robert hasn’t decided on what to do with his part of the scrapyard). Robert asks about his progress with Victoria. They watch a match for a few minutes.

 

It’s comfortable which is why Robert isn’t expecting it.

 

“I’m not sure what’s going on Robert, with you and Aaron, but – do you think it’s a good idea?”

 

Robert tries not to choke on his drink, coughs a few times and attempts for a moment to pretend he doesn’t understand. When he looks at Adam though he sees worry and beyond that a quiet sort of sadness.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Adam nods, turns to look up at the match on the telly. “Fair enough.”

 

Robert wishes he could give him a better answer. He thinks maybe some things are shifting, there’s something like hope starting to bubble up but he can’t talk about it. With anyone.

 

“I just – I don’t want you to get hurt.”

 

Robert glances over, sees the grim set to Adam’s jaw and the hope that had expanded in his chest tumbles down to his feet.

 

“Oh.”

 

Adam sighs, meets his gaze and says, “Sometimes you have to let go, Rob.”

 

Robert knows.

 

He’s just never been good at that.

 

\--

 

He sees Aaron and Gregg walking together two days later and he knows without having to be told.

 

Robert turns away and heads toward his flat, his steps slow and purposeful.

 

\--

 

There’s a bottle of whiskey and another one of pills he’d found at Diane’s, when he’d gone over for tea, sitting on his table. He’d slipped the pills into his pocket without thinking too hard on it and brought them home.

 

Robert stares at both bottles until his vision blurs.

 

He throws them both out and heads to bed.

 

\--

 

“I’ve been sleeping with Aaron.”

 

He thinks he has caught Sharon by surprise for the first time. Robert gauges her expression, waits for her judgement. The only indication that she hadn’t been expecting his statement is the almost imperceptible pause of her pen as she writes. She looks up at him as she asks softly, “How long?”

 

Robert shrugs, looks out the window, focuses on all the lights. “A few months.”

 

“I thought Aaron was dating someone.” It’s a statement not a question. Her tone is neutral not accusing but Robert feels defensive on his behalf, on Aaron’s.

 

“They broke up,” he snaps, glancing quickly at Sharon before looking away again.

 

“I see.” This time the silence is fraught with something but Robert waits it out, can feel the question coming, “How do you feel about it?”

 

“It doesn’t matter.”

 

“Everything matters, Robert.”

 

He shakes his head. “It’s done. They got back together.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Robert snorts. “I bet.’

 

“Robert, look at me.”  


He does reluctantly and she gives him an understanding look. “It hurts to lose someone we love. It’s okay to feel that.’

 

“Even when they weren’t really yours anymore?”

 

Sharon nods. “Especially then. Divorce, separation, breaks ups. They are like death in many ways. We lose something precious and we must process it. We must let ourselves mourn.”

 

Robert swallows down the need to scream and nods at her.

 

\--

 

He is picking at his food when he feels someone sit across from him. He looks up and freezes when he sees Liv sitting there, starting to eat her own meal. They had made some progress recently. Robert asks after her school, she gives him a hard time before answering. He’s helped her with her maths a few times when he finds her having a difficult time with it.

 

This is new though. She hadn’t ever sought him out.

 

He can see her eyeing him as he moves his food around on the plate.

 

“You should eat that.”

 

Robert startles at that, is so surprised that he does.

 

They sit in companionable silence until he is done. Liv gives him a quick smile, nods once then clears her plate, leaving him alone at the table once more.

 

\--

 

He isn’t sleeping at all anymore.

 

\--

 

Robert is shocked when he weighs himself and realizes he’s lost almost one stone.

 

\--

 

He is in the pub when Gregg and Aaron break up. Again.

 

Robert doesn’t turn his head at the raised voices, accusations, at Chas yelling at Gregg to get out. He keeps trying to eat the shepherd’s pie that Marlon had been nice enough to make for him. (Apparently, Liv has asked him to do it since it was Robert’s favorite and he guesses she’d noticed his weight loss) He flinches a little when someone slams a glass down on the counter, doesn’t bother to acknowledge anything that happens.

 

He senses someone looking his way but he continues to work on his dinner.

 

It tastes like sand paper to him but he eats it all.

 

\--

 

He asks Adam if he can crash at the farm.

 

“You want to sleep on the couch instead of your own bed? Why the hell, mate?”

 

Robert waits a long moment before answering but when he does he looks Adam straight in the eye. “Because if I’m there, I’ll open the door.”

 

Adam doesn’t ask what he means and lets him stay for three nights.

 

\--

 

“My dad never liked me much.” Robert doesn’t really talk about Jack but he’s been thinking about him lately.

 

Sharon quirks an eyebrow. “Did _you_ like _him_?”

 

No one’s ever asked him that and he takes a moment to think about it. “Sometimes? I always loved him even when I wanted to hate him.” It’s a truth he doesn’t acknowledge even to himself.

 

“What made you hate him?”

 

Robert doesn’t even know where to start, thinks of his mother and pushes that thought away. He isn’t ready – doesn’t know if he ever will be. “I told myself I did. It made it easier to deal with him. Dad tolerated me at the best of times. I don’t blame him, really.”

 

Sharon makes a face at that. “That couldn’t have been easy.”

 

Robert shrugs. “It’s me.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Most people just put up with me. They tolerate me even when-”

 

“When what?”

 

“They say they love me.”

 

Sharon stops and looks at him. “You think they don’t.”

 

Robert shakes his head. “No, they do. It’s just got a limit.”

 

He isn’t sure of what he wants to say but Sharon gets it like she always does.

 

“You think people only love you – a limited amount?”

 

Robert thinks on that before he nods. “Tolerate.”

 

Some complicated expression flits across Sharon’s face but she doesn’t push for more and Robert is grateful.

 

\--

 

He sits in his car and stares at the tracks for thirty minutes, the distant sound of the train getting closer.

 

The temptation grows stronger.

 

But in the end, he could never do that to his family. To Liv. To Aaron.

 

Especially not to Aaron.

 

He starts his car and drives home.

 

\--

 

Aaron has been trying to get his attention for twenty minutes.

 

Robert glances at him finally (he can never not look at Aaron) and Aaron nods towards the bathroom. He watches Aaron get up a few minutes later. His fingers tingle, his throat constricts and he almost gets up, almost follows.

 

He pays his check and walks out the pub door, his fingers cutting into the skin of his palms as he does.

 

\--

 

It all comes to a head two weeks into November. Everything is thrown upside down and he has one person to thank: Ross.

 

Ross Barton changes Robert’s world in less than five minutes.

 

Robert walks into the pub – it seems it’s all he does lately – to find Rebecca, Debbie and Ross in the middle of a row. Victoria is defending Rebecca, protecting the baby. Chrissie is holding on to her sister. Rebecca doesn’t look – right. Robert makes to turn on his heel, go home and away from this.

 

Ross sees him and he is trapped, frozen as he sees the other man point at him. “Were you ever going to tell him?”

 

Robert doesn’t ask what he means but he hears Aaron’s voice from the other side of the room. “Tell him what?” There’s anger in Aaron’ voice, Robert thinks that he should feel something akin to that but he doesn’t. He is just too exhausted to care anymore.  


Chrissie pleads. “Ross. Please, she isn’t well.”

 

A dark thunderstorm of anger crosses Ross’ face and his voice is steel. “Convenient, that, isn’t it? Well, I don’t care. She lied. Listen, I hate the guy but he isn’t this baby’s father. I am.”

 

The words echo in the silence that follows and Robert doesn’t move, looks between Ross, Rebecca and Chrissie. He can hear Victoria demanding an explanation.

 

Debbie steps closer to Chrissie, points at Rebecca, who seems almost vacant. Robert feels a hand on his shoulder, glances back to see Adam. He doesn’t understand anything. He had – he’d done this –

 

“She told me she didn’t sleep with Robert at all!”

 

The words tilt his world and all Robert hears is the cacophony of the pub, Chas makes a strangled, angry sound and through all that he can make out Aaron’s quiet, “No.”

 

He doesn’t wait for the rest.

 

\--

 

Faith finds him on the edge of the ravine.

 

Robert doesn’t remember how he got there. He walks and walks and walks.

 

His phone is somewhere on the road to town. It had been ringing for a long while and he didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to hear it again.

 

He hadn’t –

 

It can’t be right.

 

Robert had intended – he’d been drunk and destructive and it was what he had intended. He must have done it.

 

There’s nowhere left to go.

 

He sits down, legs dangling in the emptiness underneath them and he leans over. It’s a long way down.

 

“It’s probably not the best way to go, love.”

 

Robert glances at Faith before turning back towards the darkness. “It would be quick.”

 

“That it would. You’d also end up looking flattened. I’d hate to see your pretty face end up mush.”

 

She moves closer as she speaks, ends up sitting next to him.

 

 

Faith liked him for some reason that Robert doesn’t understand. He doesn’t want to bother figuring her out. The Dingles were a mess on a good day.

 

“What’s your plan, then? Just give up.”

 

Yes.

 

That was his plan.

 

He thinks of all the pain, everything that’s happened, everything that might. He causes destruction everywhere he goes.

 

“I think this is yours.” She presses his phone into his hand. “You can always choose which way to go but I’ve never taken you for a coward, Robert.”

 

There’s the sound of feet against gravel and he knows – he can feel Aaron. He can _always_ feel Aaron.

 

“Robert.”

 

It’s a broken sound and Robert shrinks into himself a little.

 

“Please, just – _don’t_.”

 

His eyes sting and he feels something trickle down his cheeks, hot and wet. His hands shake as he pulls up a name on his phone. Faith watches him quietly.

 

He can’t bring himself to look at Aaron.

 

The voice on the other end says his name calmly. “Robert?”

 

Robert shoves down everything that’s spilling over, shudders in a breath.

 

“Help me. Please.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are loved! 
> 
> find me @kayceecruz on tumblr.


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